Scrub a dub, dub and I'm sorry, your fired!

I have been learning how Indian houses run and why we need staff. Let me explain. On Monday I took 5 of my friends maids/houseboys plus my own to the house to basically try and scrub up a pretty dirty 9000 sq ft house ready for the shipment arriving Thursday.

They all set to work the ladies preferring to work together as a team having a good 'blether' (Scottish for chat) on the way. The two boys joined me in commando style guerrilla warfare on the kitchen. By the time we finished the kitchen gleamed. The ladies meanwhile had ripped all the netlon from all the windows on the house, dumped it in a huge pile in the hallway and done an extremely good job of mopping dust into the marble floors. Need I say more?

While all this was taking place imagine this: your electricity cutting out (the usual 'Monday power-holiday' for 2 hours!). Realizing that a) the generator was bled dry of its fuel by the previous staff, b) the generators batteries were dead and old and needed replacing. Then your electrics blowing, toilets stop working, showers don't spray water and taps don't either. Whew. So no wonder you need the staff - just handling all those switches and pumps!

After the electrician/plumber had visited me more than 4 times in two days - I realized that to keep this guy coming back I needed to sweeten him. So retainer was paid and informed that this would happen every month so long as he would turn up within 1 hour of my call. He was going to be visiting me A LOT!

So I had a crash course in housekeeping Indian style; like turning the pump on for one hour in the morning to pump the water up to the holding tank on the roof terrace. Running the generator for 10/15 mins per day so the battery won't lose its charge. Making sure generator man comes out after 250 running hours to service the thing.

The maids all hung their mops up and went home leaving me with mine.

"Mam?” my maid.

"Yes Mary", me.

"You need to pay me 30 rupees extra a day".

"Eh? We arranged your salary last week Mary and you agreed to it, I have been paying you since last Tuesday at your interview. This is your first full day at work. Why do you need more now?"

"For my taxi to work". Mary

"What's wrong with buses?” Me

"No buses, mam".

"What those big blue and green buses that stop at bus stops, that go all day up and down the road where you and I live are not buses Mary?"

Silence.

"I'll talk to Sir", I say knowing this is the best get me out of jail card. A tried and tested method of the Madam of any Indian household.

Next day she doesn't show up for work or phone. Later in the day I learn my driver had taken a call from her saying she's not well, can he pass the message on. He tells her to phone Madam herself. She does not. But seems well enough to go to her old employer’s neighbourhood and in the words of the local guards "Bad mouth her old Madam and her new Madam". So they banned her from the street.

Sir got home, phoned her and said in his best 'The Apprentice - Alan Sugar style'

"You’re fired".

In future I shall heed the words of my driver who said I should wait 2 weeks before I decide to like my new staff. I think he knew she was not right for us. Ignoring him I gushed over Mary and her good English, her claims that she was Christian. Three sets of household staff of friends knew her and knew of her lying. I shall be more cautious in future.

To be honest she did me a favour not turning up for work, it made it much easier.

I now have a maid who speaks no English but who watches, learns and just get's on with it.

End of.